Do you ever not feel at home in your own home...or for that matter...in your own mind? There are so many times I just want to speak my mind...speak how I am really feeling. I have things I want to say, feelings I want to express that are just bursting to get out...but because of sociological etiquette (or political correctness...I guess I should say), I'm actually afraid to express myself. I have no biases, no prejudices, no social snobbery...yet I'm afraid if I say the wrong thing...it will be interpreted as such. We never know what others will "hear" when we speak, and how they will interpret what we are saying. We have to be so careful as to not hurt anyone's feelings or inadequacies, or social stratification, that even if we have absolutely no biases whatsoever...we can come off as appearing that way.
I feel that I have to censor myself in every day life. How ridiculous is that? The many roles I play are varied. I am a mother, I am a career woman, a friend, a lover (well...not in the last few years...in case anyone was curious...and available!) an ex-wife, a confidante, and other assorted roles. How can I assume those roles if I can't be the totally honest person that I am?
Of course we play the game in our careers...that's just how it's been forever, to survive. But I will tell you this...I will NOT play the kiss ass role. I do draw the line at that. If they don't like me for my assets...then they can kiss my assets good-bye.
The friend and confidante role...that's not really playing...that's a role that I love...but every so often, you still have to watch what you say...because you just never know if you cross a line. If true friendship is there...no worries whatsoever...but there is always that 1% deviation and the unknown...and well...it weighs on your conscience.
The mom role! What could be any greater than the mom role. It's not a role...it's what comes naturally. There is nothing more real than being a mom...the love that emanates from me is so natural and pure, that there is no defining the feeling. but what I have come out of my mouth...that's a whole other thing! I have to absolutely edit the words and feelings. Not the feelings of love and respect and admiration for my kids, because those come pouring out without thinking. But the everyday goings on and the past that I've had....that's a whole different ball game. They don't need to know what my past is. But they do need glimpses in there...so how do you edit what's right or wrong to divulge? What I do is mentally put myself back at that age to see and feel what I was thinking so I can relate. But I still have to censor myself! I need to dig so deep within to make sure I only tell what will positively affect them. But I still have to worry about saying the right things on a day to day basis…because that affects their whole life. A parent’s role is so monumental…that there is no going back once the impression is made.
How is that being totally honest? Can we ever be totally honest? It's so frustrating. And that's only with our kids. How about with our parents and siblings? What about our other halves? Our partners/husbands/wives? Do we have to censor things with them, too? Of course we do, because in this day and age, people don’t seem willing to work on relationships as hard as they should and seem to walk out more easily then they used to. I believe people are more out in the open with their feelings, but then there are always consequences. So which is better…back in our parents day when you just didn’t talk about relationships…and just stayed together no matter what, or open up and take the chance of changing the dynamics. I’ll still go for the latter, but will we ever get to a point where we can be our total, honest, uncensored, 100% selves?
Will we ever be totally at home in our own home. Will we ever be totally at home in our own mind? Will we? Will I ever not have to ask the question…can I just tell you how I really feel?