Monday, August 20, 2012

Vagina Dialogues

Over the course of one’s lifetime, we end up going to many kinds of doctors. I know I have seen pretty much every specialist out there. We women seem to have it much worse than the men. I know…I know, get your prostate checked and yada yada yada...and I’m sure getting your balls squeezed for 3 nano-seconds while coughing is ten times worse than giving birth. We feel very sorry for you. But let me tell you...going to the gynecologist is not only humiliating [not quite as humiliating as the proctologist, mind you, but humiliating nonetheless], but it is also the gateway to so many other kinds of exams and more. 

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to have my six month checkup with my gyno. I happen to love my gyno...she's thorough, knowledgeable, young and chatty. Quite chatty. I tend to wonder if she's paying attention to what she's doing while her hands are halfway up my hoohoo and she's chatting away inside my vagina.

But before I even get to see her, I have to get on the exam table while her nurse takes my vitals. I always wondered why blood pressure and temperature are the two standard measurements they take in every office no matter what kind of doctor you're visiting. If I'm visiting the orthopedist, what's he going to do if I have a fever? Put me in a neck brace? I think I'll have to check that one out on Google. Or I guess I could just ask my daughter since she's a medical assistant and in nursing school. It's the simple, logical things that I tend not to think of right away. I frighten myself sometimes.

"Take off all your clothes and put the top on, open to the front please, and drape the other across your lap. You can leave your socks on if you'd like." It's a look we all want to have at some point. Naked, wearing athletic socks.

I don't know about you, but I unknowingly get nervous in the doctor's office and the longer I sit there, the more I start sweating, and when my bare bottom is sitting on that examining table paper, my tushy starts to stick to it.  I try to lean to one side and then the other, to lift up off the paper, but little pieces break off on each cheek and by the time the doctor comes in, I have an entire paper roll stuck to my butt. 

Sometimes I wait so long for the doctor to come in, I start to check things out: test my reflexes with the little knee knocker thingie; take a few gloves and shove them in my purse, [for reasons unbeknownst even to me]; search the drawers for anything of interest; take my own blood pressure, [just because I feel grown up using the stethoscope]; and read all the back, knee, neck, organ and shoulder diagrams. Sometimes I go to the doctor just to catch up on my medical reading; although many of the diagrams are way out of my league and totally baffle me.

Finally the doctor comes in and after she's done picking the paper out of my nether region, she comes at me with the Jaws of Life. "You're going to feel a little pinch." A LITTLE pinch? You may as well attach a lobster claw down there. That clench would be less of a pinch then the instrument she's using. How wide do you need it? I'm not delivering twins here. When she spoke I could hear an echo. 

"Now you'll feel a little scraping." You peeling paint in there? What the hell are you doing? I'd like to keep just a small part of my uterus, or cervix or whatever the hell you're excavating, if you don't mind. Is there a construction site in there?

It's not like I haven't had this done 50 times before, but each time seems just a tad worse than the last. I guess as you get older, and as you see less and less activity...anything shoved up there is a little shocking to the system. 

We commenced with the small talk. She began..."So, how have you been? Anything new going on?" Since her head is staring right into my vaginal cavity I assume she's asking the question regarding my vaginal activity. Since those lips don't really speak for themselves I thought I would answer for them. "Can't say there's been too much action going on." (But thank you so much for reminding me.) "Yes, I can see that...that's not exactly what I was asking." You can see that? What the hell else can you see in there? China? Are my car keys in there...they've been missing? "I was asking about your have you been ok? Anything bothering you?" mean aside from the fact that I've been celibate for the last two years, can't remember what a penis looks like and once tried to pick up a cross dresser? (Not really....I made that last one up.) I'm good...if you want to call newly formed jowls, saggy skin, creaky bones, shoulder pain, neck pain, back pain, blurred vision and memory loss, good.  Then I'm great! Couldn't be any better. 

"It's that time of year for your mammogram and bone density tests." Oh, yippee. I always look so forward to being reminded of all the testing that only the aging have to do. Should we throw in another colonoscopy while we're at it?  That's always one of the small pleasures for the over 50 bunch. “Would you like to have them at the same time?” No, thanks, I think one test at a time is plenty. I don’t want to glow from the radiation when I walk out.

“I see you have your gym clothes with you…are you going to work out after?” If I can get my legs closed after you get that crowbar out of me, yes, it’s a good possibility. Of course, I’m now 8 inches wider down there, so let’s hope nothing falls out. I’ll try not to push or exert too much.

“Well…everything looks good. I’ll call you when we get the results back and please remember to set up your tests. You don’t want to put those off.” I don't? Yes I do. "You can get dressed now and I'll see you in 6 months. Good seeing you." 

I got dressed, walked out to the reception area, paid my co-pay, got a few samples from the doctor and left. On my way out to the parking lot, I passed by a few people, nodded hello, just happy I was done with that visit, and took off in my car to the gym. When I got there, I had to pee so badly, I barely made it to the bathroom...and the gym was packed. I was hoping the bathrooms weren't all taken. I walked into the locker room and as I passed by the mirror...there it was...examining table paper hanging out of my gym shorts. And no one at the doctor's office thought it was worth mentioning? I now belong to a new gym.



  1. I haven't had a good laugh like this in years. You are so funny. I was feeling everything you were going thru and getting hysterical, laughing. Anxiously awaiting your next blog so make it soon. Cannot imagine what your next topic will be>

  2. 2 years did she use a dustbuster before she examined you

    1. she brushed the cobwebs away! (i'm cracking up at your comment!!)

  3. so so so hysterical. you just have a way with 'words' and life's
    routines that crack me up!!!!!!! loved it

  4. You are gifted and a truly good humored women. Would you go to the movies to see The Three Stooges with me? My dear wife will not. Anyway Yikes!!! Sounds like the Hokey Pokey. After an exam like that you would be considered married in Pennsylvania...or a civil union or a domestic partnership..not sure what it is called. Were you charged a flat fee or is it based on the size of the opening? Thanks for Sharing Jaimes..

  5. This one had me laughing out loud, Jaime. But sorry, kid, you still gotta call me when you grow a prostate.

    The first time I had an exam, the doc said to me "Relax. My hand is gloved and well lubricated." My response? "Arguably, doctor, it's worse for you than is is for me. After all, you're the one with your finger up someone else's asshole." Lucky for me he had a sense of humor.

    Second, in February, I finished radiation for prostate cancer. (I didn't mention it on FB because it's not my style.) Before each session, my prostate had to be immobilized. This was done by laying me out on the IMRT and Proton tables, balls-out naked, and having someone first insert a rectal balloon, and then fill it with water. And I had to do it in Philadelphia - 100 miles in each direction from home. 44 times! Sheesh!

    (Thanks for the laugh!)

  6. Jaime - I can't say anything different - spot on; funny; and you are a great writer. Thanks for sharing your insights. They validate how I feel and make me laugh! Love, D

    1. thanks dawn...knew you would relate! :)

  7. Hi Jaime
    Perfect timing with your post. My appt is tomorrow. "can't wait". You are so funny. You are a great writer! Xoxo

  8. thanks elyse...that's so sweet! good luck tomorrow!

  9. That was indeed a good laugh. I admit that compared to you women, us guys have nothing to complain about when it comes to medical stuff, despite the prostate exam and nut squeezing.

  10. No where else in our daily lives do we encounter a stainless steel contraption for our vagina that comes with a mascara brush (not for use on the eyes, or anywhere above the waist). Thanks for this post. It made my day.