Swipe This

I know it's been discussed, many times before, amongst a varied group of people. I think people from all over the world have been questioning this for decades: scholars and scientists, doctors and mathematicians, politicians and laborers, great leaders of the world. It probably should be called the 8th (or is it 9th) Wonder of the World. No one seems to understand the phenomenon. At some point this mystery WILL be solved...but has anyone yet figured out why, under penalty of law, we can NOT remove the mattress tag? I mean, of all things to not remove...why the mattress tag? What, in God’s name, could possibly happen to this mattress if we remove its tag? Almost everyone has a mattress and is completely annoyed by this indestructible piece of unrelenting paper, yet, to this day I won't remove it. It's almost like we feel there's some hidden alert on the tag and someone will come arrest us if we do. I'm waiting for my bed to get really old and hopefully, it will fall off. But as everyone knows...you can't keep a bed too long because after a few years, they say all these little bugs and mites are probably lurking around under your sheets. Really makes you want to crawl right in between those cozy covers. I pull down my comforter and sheets every night before I get into bed to make sure there are no little critters waiting for me to spoon in the wee hours of the morning.

Why can't clothing labels be made that don't scratch the shit out of you? There are instances where I've forgotten to cut out some labels and the entire time I am wearing that item...all I can do is concentrate on how f**king annoyed I am that I am spending the whole day scratching my neck. Why must they make labels out of porcupine quills, with thread that is made of some torturous wiry shit? They may as well take brush bristles and just attach them to the neckline of all clothing.  If I do remember to cut out the label, sometimes I don't pull the whole thing off and leave the ends. Have you ever had the corners of labels left in your shirt, and they stab at you like daggers? Those little miniscule points, with the barbed wire thread piercing into your skin causing you to go to emergency for stitches. My skin is so raw from scratching by the end of the day; I can't wear anything around my neckline for a good week. Thank God for tank tops. Although I've had some tank tops with sharp nailed claws for labels that have put me in a tizzy because they fall at the center of my back where I can't reach. So I'm in my contortionist mode trying to get at the itch, pulling my shoulder and arms in ways they were not designed to move. Once I realize I'm going to fall short of reaching the itch by maybe a millimeter, I resort to corners of walls to rub up against, possibly looking like the biggest idiot anyone has ever seen.

And explain to me why ANY item would need that hard plastic wrapping that you need a blow torch to open? I can't tell you how many plastic cuts I've endured trying to open those. And those little slits in your fingers that look so innocent? They hurt like hell while leaving trails of blood all over the place. What could possibly be so precious that they need Ft. Knox protecting the merchandise? It can't be to deter theft. No one is going to spend time trying to open a stolen item inside the store...they will just take it home and spend four hours opening it at home. And if you don't have a super, duper hard core scissors to use...forget it. You're never getting that sucker open. Maybe if you have one of those huge paper slicers we used to have in Art Class...remember those...the ones that could cut through brick but we used it to cut one piece of paper? For THAT, we had the super deluxe guillotine. To cut through paper. But to cut these plastic protectors, we pull our hair out trying to figure out if there's some hidden secret that we just don't know about. And it's not only just for expensive items; it's for a variety of merchandise. Batteries, toys. Really? Toys? Why would they want children to have that hard plastic artillery? Maybe it's to keep them busy for hours on end trying to figure out how to get their toys out. Except it would probably backfire, because, like me, they probably start having tantrums. The whole thing is an enigma to me. WHY?? Someone please tell me WHY?

Does anyone understand the blob of cotton inside medicines and vitamins? Is it to hold the pills in place? Is it for absorption of whatever it should be absorbing? And if that's the case, then shouldn't we keep the cotton in all the time? It doesn't say that on the label. On the very flat, soft paper label that's on bottles. At least that label doesn't stab you. Although if it gets a little wet, it gets gooey from the glue that holds it on. But, back to the cotton. I have spent hours trying to pull cotton out of some bottles. They shove it in so tight in this huge ball that must have been cemented together. My fingers alone never have successfully freed it. I have tried pliers to tug it out only to pull out a small portion. I’ve pulled so hard my hand retracted back with such force, I hit myself in the face. And with each tug comes out this teensy little piece. I have tried my tweezers, thinking maybe doing it delicately will help and the cotton won't fight back so fiercely, but I got even smaller pieces with those. You think you have bought this huge bottle of vitamins only to find, after you finally get the bale of cotton out 2 hours later, that it's only filled up half way. I’ve worked that hard for 5 pills?

You know way back when we would actually purchase CD's rather than illegally download them for free from limewire or some other website we would rip off? Do you remember how long it would take to unwrap those frickin’ flattened out plastic boxes they came in? Just trying to find the elusive tab that was supposed to make it simple to open was a feat in itself. All you would have to do is unravel it by pulling on the ‘Where's Waldo’ tab. After 20 minutes of unsuccessfully searching, I would then try to peel off the cellophane from the folded over sides that were held together with industrial glue only to pull off nothing. So I would then try to bite the shit out of it spitting out all the little pieces of plastic wrap that were stuck to my tongue. Ptuey ptuey ptuey. And I didn't care where they landed because at that point the hammer was coming out. So as my naked toes are gathering little pieces of plastic between each one as I walk to where I have my ax to attempt to hack this half ounce piece of armor open...I look over and my dog had gotten hold of it and had the wrapping off within seconds. She misses no opportunity to turn any possession of mine into her plaything. Now that the wrapper was off it only took me another thirty minutes to get the little seal off that holds the cover together. You would think there was every government secret since WWI stored on my music CD because it was sealed so tightly, in so many different ways. Why could they possibly need a CD to be hermetically sealed? 

Everything should just be in a simple, environmentally safe, clear covering so that we don’t have to be Houdini to figure out the escape route for the article we have purchased. Labels should all be stamped into our clothing…not sewn using barbed wire. And all those tags that are attached with little plastic strings...do we really need 5 different tags for one item of clothing that pretty much tell the same story? I’ve practically ripped teeth from my gums trying to bite off that plastic when I didn’t have a scissors.  

I guess I will start wearing my clothes inside out and will purchase a complete set of power tools to open up all my items in their packages. I just hope I will be able to extricate my power tools from their own fortress. And now I’m sneaking out to cut the tag off of my mattress. If you don’t hear from me in the next few days…check the local jail.

(I’ll be the one scratching the back of my neck rubbing up against the wall.)