Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Quicker Picker Upper

Feeling blue? A little down in the dumps? Need a quick pick-me-up? You may want to try the foolproof cure that never lets me down…..
A trip to CVS.
What is it about CVS that puts a smile on your face and a zing in your step? I love that place and always leave with things I absolutely do not need. The bright lights are so welcoming and say…come on in and check me out. You can always find whatever it is you need, and all those things you had no intention of ever wanting when you first came into the store.
My main reason for entering that money sucking death trap is to drop off a prescription. The dangerous choice is deciding to hang out until it’s ready instead of coming back later to pick it up.

Attempting to sit by the pharmacy window and wait out the “15 minutes” before it’s ready (ha…when has it ever taken only 15 minutes to fill a prescription?) is next to impossible. So I slowly make my way through the aisles thinking if I go down an aisle that doesn’t have anything I like, I may make it out safely with cash still in pocket. I start with the magnifying glasses aisle. I try on at least 20 pairs looking in the miniscule mirror trying to see how I look. How do they expect you to know if you like them when you can barely see yourself in the teeny, tiny reflection? Kind of defeats the purpose of the glasses, dontcha think? And the sales tag hangs down over your eyes and nose blocking half your vision. I stand there blowing at it to get it out of my way, almost hyperventilating…but to no avail.  At least I make it out of that aisle empty handed.
Moving on to the hair accessories aisle. Well…who doesn’t need hair accessories? I sure do…even if I don’t. I better go get a basket just for a couple of things: elastics, head bands, new brush…have to have a new brush. You can never have too many brushes. Oh…and of course, a new shower cap. Ok…that should do it…in that aisle. But wait…the travel items are right there, too. I have to get some of those, only because they are so cute. I love the little mini shaving crème and hair spray. Gotta have ‘em.
I check out the nail polish aisle next. I always am up for trying a new color on my toes. And a new nail file, polish remover, cuticle pusher backer thing, and any other thingamajig I can still fit into the basket.
The make-up aisle is a killer. I have never moved on to “designer” mascara so Maybelline still has my loyalty, and for some reason they come out with a new version on a daily basis. Half the back wall of the store is filled with Maybelline mascaras and I have to try each one to see if any makes my lashes luxuriously thick and long like it promises. I know those ads don’t lie and don’t use false eyelashes in their commercials, [not at all], but I still haven’t quite figured out why my lashes don’t lengthen 3 inches when I use the same mascara as the models. I’ll buy a couple anyway…just in case one of them actually does work.
The chotchkie section is my favorite. A whole aisle of absolutely useless merchandise that will look so great sitting in my closet. Where do they come up with this crap? It’s got to be left over, unwanted junk from someone’s yard sale that they think people will scoop up when they are in panic mode looking for a gift they forgot to get and need right away. I better grab something, just in case. You never know when I will be in that position of needing a gift for someone I really don’t like.
Last stop before pick-up… the greeting card aisle. There is something about standing there reading birthday cards that makes me need to go poop. I’m not sure what it is, maybe the relaxed state I’m in, but it’s the best remedy if you are ever constipated. Go read greeting cards at CVS. Luckily it is the last stop before the pick up so I sure hope my meds are ready.  
I wait in line patiently, get up to the counter and the girl brings my meds over.  “Anything else you would like me to ring up for you?”  “Um, yes, why yes there is.” And as I empty my overflowing basket I can feel all eyes glaring at me from the people waiting in line to pick up their prescriptions.

The tension is mounting from the crowd, as I unload my basket, item by item, while the girl behind the counter is ringing it all up.  I can hear the sighs coming from the line behind me, begging me to hurry up. The line has grown from 2 people to about 15, when suddenly the girl asks, in a voice so loud it was as if she had a microphone built into her tonsils… “Would you like the pharmacist to explain how to use your sexual arousal medication?”

Well, I managed not to hyperventilate in the glasses aisle but my breathing was becoming a bit labored at this point. And the rush of blood to my head felt like my blood vessels would burst at any moment. But I kept my composure and replied, “No thanks, I believe I’m well aware, as are these 15 other people now, but thank you.” I walked away with my head down and my 18 bags of goodies and once out the door…bolted for the car…only to realize I grabbed everything but the medication.


  1. Enjoyed once again. Where do you ever get your ideas? CVS Should pay you for free advertising.Anxiously awaiting next blog. Keep them coming.

  2. i remember when u were nervous about writing a blog, you should write a book , no kidding

  3. B.U.D, meet S.A.M. A little obscure, perhaps, but I think you'll figure it out.

  4. @frank...i'm trying but not sure which direction to go on this...since BUD had nothing to do with this post so i'm not sure if S.A.M. does? give me time!

  5. @ frank.....i'm an idiot...just got it!!! good one!!!

  6. Oh, you're no dope, Jaime!