Saturday, March 19, 2011

What's lurking in Your medicine cabinet?

Ever since I was little I was told to take my vitamin every morning. So like a good little girl, I would pop my Flintstones into my mouth after careful deliberation of whether I wanted to chew Bamm-Bamm or Pebbles. Vitamins were supposed to ward off illnesses and keep our bodies strong, so over the years I have been adding more and more to my arsenal of medications. Recently I decided to take inventory of my collection to see if any have made a significant impact on my body and mind.

Of course we all take Multiple vitamins. They should take care of our entire body. But I decided as I aged, I needed to supplement individual bodily needs. There seems to be controversy on what vitamins are helpful for, but I have my own reasons for each.

The first was my skin. I was always told Vitamin A would keep my skin free of blemishes and age spots, so every day I crack one open and rub it all over my body. I have to say, my skin feels pretty good. It feels especially good when I have someone else help me "take" my vitamin A.

Next was the Vitamin B group…to help my digestive system. I'm not so sure exactly how that one is working. Is my stomach supposed to make gurgling sounds throughout the day and bloat little by little so that I look 8 months pregnant by evening? It’s also supposed to help your stress level. Yeah…I can tell you without a doubt…that info is wrong. I think maybe the experts must have confused the B vitamin and Xanax. So I took it upon myself to substitute one for the other. Now THAT really works! I’ve never been more relaxed in my entire life.




Vitamin C seems to be the multi-purpose vitamin. Honestly? I don’t see the purpose of this one at all. “It’s important in the formation of collagen to hold skin cells together and other body tissues” Really? What medical dictionary did this come from? My skin cells and body tissue are holding together all right, just a little further south than I would like. And each day…their grip gets a little looser so that at some point, I’m afraid my skin will just slide off my body.


Strong bones and teeth are serviced by Vitamin D with Calcium. If that’s the case…maybe I am using it wrong. Am I supposed to be inserting the actual vitamin in the places where my teeth once resided? I don’t notice my bones and teeth getting or staying strong. I just notice my gum line receding quicker than men’s hair follicles.

I was advised by a trusted friend to use Ginkgo Biloba so that I could improve my memory and concentration. I was excited to use this because my memory is very selective and my concentration lasts about one nanosecond. But every afternoon when I was scheduled to take it…I would forget. (You knew that one was coming!)

I added Manganese to my diet after going through menopause. It’s supposed to aid in the production of sex hormones. I didn’t really notice much difference after a few months of taking this, therefore, I thought I would also add Rhodiola Rosea, Ginseng, Maca (Peruvian Ginseng), Horny Goat Weed, Kava, L-Arginine, DHEA and anything else I could find. I now hump my couch about 20 times a day.


I do recommend Potassium for cramping. I would get the worst leg cramps and foot cramps during the night that would bolt me out of bed in excruciating pain. For those of you who have never had a cramp…imagine someone shoving their fist up your ass as far as they can and twisting your internal organs until they can’t twist anymore. I made sure I found a cure for that one…and potassium was my salvation.

I found some expired bottles of vitamins and other medications that have been there for quite some time. I always wondered what the effects would be after 2 or 3 years past the expiration date. I thought I would experiment with some, but then I realized, that may not be the best idea if it turns out to be fatal.

I have yet to conclude if any of these vitamins and supplements actually makes a difference (except for the surefire potassium). I know one place they ALL make a difference. And that would be my bank account. I wish I knew why I spent so much money on something I’m not even sure works, and makes me gag every time I try to swallow one of those horse pills.



14 comments:

  1. Funny as usual. Love all your blogs. They make me laugh and keep me happy all day. Don't ever stop writing. How about a novel? You could write about your family and EVERYONE would have a good laugh. Hmmm.

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  2. about time, miss your blogs

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  3. You are the real deal...keep the blogs up, I learn quite a lot about you...

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  4. The cramping paragraph kind of turned me on

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  5. @ anonymous (the latest one)...Expose yourself...

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  6. this one was great....the vitamin one......now I have a few questions..how did you get all those perfect pictures in there and is that Brutis lying on the couch like that??? FUNNY!!!

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  7. LOVED THIS ONE!! they're all amzing......remember those flinstone vitamins???

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  8. You must have the most expensive urine on the planet!

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  9. @ anonymous...it's not brutus...just a pic i found...so cute, tho, right?
    @frank...i'm cracking up! not only expensive...quite colorful!

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