Saturday, December 11, 2010

The "How To's" of Self Grooming

In these times of economic hardships, we have to take necessary steps to make ends meet. What that means is cutting back on some of the luxuries that we’ve grown accustomed to.  Of course what one luxury is to one person can be completely different than what it is to another, but that’s beside the point. Let’s talk about MY luxuries (or lack of) since I’m the one blogging.  
Upon becoming single once again, I had to give up a few of my indulgences, although to most, these are normal weekly or monthly events.  Have you ever tried to dye and cut your own hair?  It’s a major feat! You can twist and contort your body in ways you never imagined just to get to certain strands of hair. Try looking at the back of your hair in a mirror and figure out exactly what needs to be cut. Mine’s probably a little easier than most since it’s all one length and down to my waist…but still…it’s a little mind boggling to look in the mirror and think you are cutting one side when you’re really cutting the other. I can’t, for the life of me, figure out mirror reflections. Like when I’m at the gym and looking in the mirrors at men. I try to figure out if the ring on their finger is on the married hand or the right hand, and I invariably never get it correct. If you’re standing facing the mirror…why doesn’t the left hand go on the left side when I’m looking at someone else, and when you’re sideways…wow…that really screws up my rationale.  So I just assume they’re all married and make myself believe they’re probably all jerks anyway!  (Sorry…I tend to digress).
Ok…Back to cutting hair. There is no way you can take the scissors and reach behind your back and just cut. Tried it…failed. It only took me 10 nano-seconds to figure that one out once I cut up instead of straight across. So what I tried was grabbing all my hair into a pony tail, bending over, bringing it over the top of my head and cutting the ends. Then I flipped my hair back, took the hand mirror, and checked out the back of my hair. But what you don’t realize is that if you use one arm to hold the mirror, it doesn’t balance the way you are seeing your hair. One side is higher than the other. I tried it with the other hand, and amazingly, the same thing! If you use both hands, you really can’t maneuver the mirror the way you need to. So you guesstimate. I found out I’m not very good at guesstimating…so I convinced myself the new style is zig-zag hair.
The walls of my bathroom are also in vogue now.  The new décor is to have black splotches in miscellaneous, albeit, strategically placed areas. And the sporadic marks on the vanity counters eventually fade, but I still try scrubbing them with nail polish remover.  I haven’t seemed to master the art of dying and getting the dye ONLY on the hair. Soon after I wash out the dye, I am now a person with the ugliest looking tattoos on my forehead, cheeks, neck, shoulders, arms and chest. No matter how hard I try, and how much baby oil I lather myself in to be able to just wipe the dye off any body part, I’m tattooed for two days. Therefore I can’t go to the gym because I can’t put my hair up in a pony tail because my whole face and neck area are covered in what looks like some foreign disease. Good thing I work from home.
And of course, I have to love French manicures. I couldn’t just be happy with one color polish…nope…gotta have that white tip that you have to get just right to look professionally done. Ever tried polishing your nails with the hand you don’t write with. You have got to have the patience of Mother Teresa. I go thru a 10 oz. bottle of polish remover every week. I actually just keep a case in the house, since I have to use it on the counters for the hair dye also. What keeps happening is the white tip just keeps getting thicker and thicker as I continue to polish. Maybe I should just paint my nails all white.
So there you have it.  How to save yourself a few bucks in these times of trouble. And along the way you learn some new home décor tips and how to temporarily adorn your body. And my girls always know the best present for mom…a day at the salon.


  1. I have had this problem: (a) when I took my driver's test and the cop was in my rearview and pointing one direction, and I'd hit the turn signal for the other. Fuck! How does this work?

    (b) trying to put in a hoop earring in the mirror. Fuck! How does this work?

    (c) trying to dye my hair when I have what basically amounts to an afro if I let it go. You're supposed to start with "clean" hair, right? How the fuck do you get a comb through "clean" hair that has NO conditioner and control products in it?

    I did cut my hair once in the mirror and that was that. When I went back to my stylist a few months later she asked, "Who the fuck cut your hair?"

  2. You can make $20 for each 20 minute survey!

    Guess what? This is exactly what large companies are paying me for. They need to know what their customer needs and wants. So large companies pay millions of dollars per month to the average person. In return, the average person, myself included, answers some questions and gives them their opinion.