Baby, It's Cold Inside

I am so over winter. I know it’s spring, although you couldn’t tell from the weather. I know I live in southern California, but this week has been extremely cold here and as luck would have it, on the rare occasion when we do need to use our heat, mine is on the fritz. I know you’re saying, ‘big deal…it’s southern California,’ but let me tell you…37 degrees is 37 degrees, no matter where you live. When you’re blowing ‘steam’ out of your mouth INSIDE your house…you’ve got major problems.

Have you ever sat on your toilet seat in 37 degree weather when the heat wasn’t blasting? It’s no day in the park. Well…maybe in Gorky Park. I jumped up so fast my pee almost came shooting out of my nose. My buns are frostbitten. Just the thought of baring any of my body parts in this igloo is devastating. I’m afraid what would happen if I did start peeing…could be painful. I'd probably be the first woman ever with icicles coming out of her WooWoo.

Within 5 minutes of pouring my coffee, I have to re-heat it in the microwave or dump it. I am going through a pot of coffee an hour. And quite a good workout on the stairs. I’m surprised I’m not drinking iced coffee by the time I get from the kitchen upstairs to my office. I’m basically using my coffee mug as a hand warmer for the 3 minutes it’s piping hot.

I would wear gloves but since I’m working, I can’t use the keyboard with gloves on. Well, I guess I could, but nothing I would type would make any sense. Not that it does half the time anyway. A space heater would probably be helpful, but since we don’t normally need one, I don’t have one hanging around the house. I am using a heating pad as a thermal blanket across my lap to keep my body temperature from going into hypothermia. I think they should make body suits out of heating pads. That would solve my problem. [I believe I hear “Shark Tank” calling my name.]  

I don’t need ice in my water to keep it cold…it’s pretty much icing over as we speak. My nose is running, forming icicles as it drips down my face. I just suck on those instead of taking my hands out from under the blanket to lift the iced water to my mouth; which if my lips weren’t frozen shut; maybe I would be able to sip from the cup. I have so many blankets wrapped around me I can barely lift my arms anyway. I swaddled myself so tightly into the blankets; I have to wait for my daughter to get home to unravel me.

My eyelashes have frost on them. I tried doing my make up earlier but the liquid mascara is now a solid. I sure hope I don’t have to cry for any reason…or those tears are going to be a bitch to get off my face.

I could probably take my blow dryer and melt them off. Actually…I should probably just get my blow dryer [or two or three], hook them up on the wall near my desk and let the heat blast at me. Hmmmm….that’s a thought…maybe after I invent the heating pad body suit.

My dog looks like a taxidermist got a hold of her and stuffed her. She is planted on the rug with all four legs pointing up, not moving [except for the periodic violent shaking from having doggiethermia.] Her coat of fur isn’t doing the trick for her, either. She started to lick herself and her tongue got stuck to her HooHoo.

The water doesn’t come out of the faucet anymore. Just stops mid stream like an ice sculpture. The bristles on my toothbrush have hardened like the wires in the brush you clean a barbeque with. That was pleasant to discover AFTER I started brushing my teeth. Frozen bristles and tooth enamel don’t do well together. It’s a little rough and gritty when I run my tongue over my teeth.

I use a step ladder now to get onto my bed. I put on so many additional comforters; I’ve added 18 inches to the height. Sometimes, when I want a little more exercise, I actually get a running start at the other end of the hallway, run down into my bedroom, and then fling myself onto the bed. Of course, when you’re dressed in as much ski gear as possible, looking like you're in a sumo wrestling suit, your flexibility is somewhat limited. So each time I do that, I hope I don’t keep rolling over and off the other end of the bed.

Of course with all the covers I temporarily have on my bed, I’m lucky I wake up in the morning and don’t suffocate during the night. I’m surprised the weight hasn’t pressed on my chest so hard and that I can actually breathe. I honestly don’t understand how I survived growing up on the east coast in cold weather. I’m a cold weather wimp. I freeze when the temperature is in the 60’s, let alone the 30’s and 40’s.  

Do you think I’ve lived in sunny, southern California too long? Do you think that as I’m sitting here, I’m wondering just why I haven’t called in a heating and ventilation technician to find out WTF is wrong? Gotta go make a call. Thanks for letting me ‘Vent.’