This is a Test. This is Only a Test.

As you may know…I ain’t no spring chicken. In just a couple of weeks, I turn 59. That’s almost 60. SIXTY!  I’ve started thinking about my life and the turns it’s taken of late, [all for the best, mind you], but things crop up and cross my mind and I have to plan for the ‘what ifs.’ Like what if I never remarry and am by myself for the rest of my life? And if so, what happens when I’m really old and ‘I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ and no one is around to hear me yell those words? 

What if that sex drive that menopause so easily and quickly took away from me without giving two shits about how my life would be without it, never comes back? And what if I take a tiny bit of testosterone to get it back but I grow hair in unwanted places and then…oh…wait…I’m digressing, as usual. Ignore that last thought.

What if I lose my job and can’t support myself…what would I do since I’m all alone with no sex drive lying on the floor not being able to get up? Then what?

At this point, the last ‘what if’ is what has been on my mind. I’m in a very young industry, age wise. The industry itself isn’t so young, just the people are. I mean, Darren Stevens was in it back in the 60’s. Mad Men is living proof how old it is, but ever so current. But everyone is twenty-something to thirty-something…so being a ‘mature’ individual, is not too welcoming if you’re seeking employment. And it’s really not welcoming to hear myself say ‘mature individual.’

I have only ever had one career and know nothing else that I could do if I was ever let go or phased out. (Although I was one hell of a Jordache jeans salesperson in high school working for the coolest clothing store in my town.) I wouldn’t want to do anything else other than the career I had chosen over 36 years ago. But what I must do…is grow with the times and be able to market myself in the current marketplace and within my own company, no matter what age I may be. That being said…I decided it was time to do something I had always despised. I had to become a student.

I was the worst student ever. Not that I ever failed at anything. I didn’t. But I never excelled, either. Well, I shouldn’t say that. I would excel in Math and English, for a minute here and there, but the second I walked out of a test, I would not remember one thing I studied so intensely for the night before. I’m not sure why that was, but I’d like to find out, because as I’m getting older, that problem is definitely not rectifying itself. I think some of my missing brain cells just can't find their way back to the correct lobe in my brain.

And when I say so intensely studied for the night before…that’s exactly what I mean. I did nothing extra if I didn’t have to, and certainly not earlier than needed to be done. I wasn’t about to spend one extra moment of my youth on school work that I wasn’t forced into doing, when I could be out playing. Not one thing ever piqued my interest enough for me to want to study or research or read if it wasn’t mandated. I would do my homework and turn it in when it was due, and I would study, or should I say cram, an entire months lessons, all in the night before the test. Because I had to. I’m not sure if I just wasn’t taking the right classes or I just was that apathetic about everything. I did just enough to get by with a respectable GPA and graduate.

I never really did have passion for much way back when. Especially in my teens and 20’s. I’ve always been a pretty laid back, middle of the road, non-confrontational person who wants peace and harmony in all that is and blah blah blah. But that seriously IS how I felt and still feel. (Maybe I was a hippie and never realized it…hmmmm…interesting observation.) 

The only thing I have ever been passionate about is seeing any living being, be it human or animal, not suffer or be mistreated. Other than that…I’ve pretty much been a la-di-da type person. Until I had kids…but that’s a whole other blog subject. (I really wanted to say ‘a whole Nother’ but I know it’s not a word, although I still use it. It just flows better.) [Note to self…I’ve got to stop digressing.]

Being in the advertising world, and seeing the movement towards digital and not even knowing what digital meant initially, I knew it was time to learn. When I first started using computers, I did find a fascination with them that I never had experienced with anything else as a kid. I actually wanted to learn everything I could soak up. Not only all the information you could find on line…because that came years later…but all about the inner workings of a computer system.  

Fortunately, I had so many problems with my computers over the years, that my new best friends were the IT guys at my company. I would watch every move they made while they fixed the bugs. And I learned. I learned a lot and have become the ‘Go-To’ person for my friends and family. Purely by mistake.  You can learn a lot by not wanting to learn a lot initially. There’s something to be said for being ignorant. It can only make you smarter.

But now it was time to learn about advertising on line. I’m a media buyer. I buy advertising on TV for my clients, but a lot of the advertising budget is now going towards digital; meaning on line advertising. I’ve been approached by salespeople to purchase it but don’t fully understand what it entails. I decided to ask my HR person if she could have someone teach us about this; maybe an all day webinar or something comparable for me and some of the other buyers. [Hopefully a little shorter than ‘all day.’ I was worried about that attention span thing becoming a problem.] We each work from our home offices in various states, so a webinar would be perfect. If we don’t understand something, we would have each other to bounce ideas or questions off of. Plus I’m not good on my own. I would get bored. I would tend to doze off. I would get up and leave the room forgetting I was supposed to be learning. BUT…If others were on line with me…I would be accountable. I NEEDED others with me. I needed others to see me there. Otherwise…I may as well have given myself an F before I even started.

She emailed me back saying she would gladly enroll us in a class. I was so excited. I finally was going to learn about the current state of buying advertising on line. Excitement was something I had never experienced upon being told I had to learn something. I hated learning. But this? This was going to be so enriching and fulfilling and easy to learn and FUN.  Or so I thought until I read on:

Here is a link to an online class you can take at your own leisure. It has to be done within 3 months and there is a test at the end. You have to pass the test to get the certificate. There are 17 modules to it with 4-5 subsections in each module.  Most people need to watch each section at least two to three times to fully understand it. Each section is 40-60 minutes long. Good luck and we look forward to you sharing your knowledge with the company. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

WTF? And IF I have questions? You’re asking if I have any questions?  Are you f**king kidding me?  Of course I have questions. Did I not make it clear I just wanted a short class summarizing the on line buying list of the top 10 things you need to know? A sort of Cliffs Notes ‘Digital for Dummies’ version.  Short, sweet and to the point. With others present! At least virtually present? Did I not clarify that?

Did I also forget to let you know I’m a terrible student who needs stimulation during a lesson? Visual and aural stimulation? Someone who can excite me with props and various intonations to their voice? Not someone who will drone on and on while my lids grow heavy and my thoughts wander to what I can find to snack on or how to have a Ferris Bueller day off.  

This was going to be horrible. But I couldn’t say ‘thanks but no thanks.’ I was the one who asked for it. And I really did want to learn. I’m sure all the other buyers were just thrilled with me at that point. But I asked one of my friends who I work with, if we could do the on line class together. We would get on the phone and click on the link at the same time and then if we didn’t understand something, we could chat about it. [Which was like saying we’re probably going to have to stop every 3 minutes to discuss what they were talking about because we’re so lost.] She was good with us working together. She was never planning on doing this to start, but I talked her into it showing her how much older she is than most others in our industry, even though she’s 10 years younger than I am. She really appreciated the geriatric insinuations.

The following week we were going to start. We made a plan to call each other at the close of the business day two days a week, for the duration of the course, hoping we would only have to listen to each part just the once.  Positive thinking. Stupid maybe…but positive nonetheless.

Prior to our initial call, we each had to go on line and enroll ourselves and then we received an email from the on line school giving us instructions on how to get to the course we signed up for.  I called my friend asking if she was ready. We each pulled up our email with the link, and clicked on it. We got to the school webpage, perused it, looking for the course link.

Me: “Do you see where we click?”

Her: “No, do you?”

Me: “Nope…but let me try something. No, that wasn’t it.”

Her: “Ok, I think I got it.” [silence] “No…that wasn’t it either.”

Me:  “Wait…I think this is it. Never mind.”

15 minutes later we were still searching…………

And so it began….

Vagina Dialogues

Over the course of one’s lifetime, we end up going to many kinds of doctors. I know I have seen pretty much every specialist out there. We women seem to have it much worse than the men. I know…I know, guys...you get your prostate checked and yada yada yada...and I’m sure getting your balls squeezed for 3 nano-seconds while coughing is ten times worse than giving birth. We feel very sorry for you. But let me tell you...going to the gynecologist is not only humiliating [not quite as humiliating as the proctologist, mind you, but humiliating nonetheless], but it is also the gateway to so many other kinds of exams and more. 

Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to have my six month checkup with my gyno. I happen to love my gyno...she's thorough, knowledgeable, young and chatty. Quite chatty. I tend to wonder if she's paying attention to what she's doing while her hands are halfway up my hoohoo and she's chatting away inside my vagina.

But before I even get to see her, I have to get on the exam table while her nurse takes my vitals. I always wondered why blood pressure and temperature are the two standard measurements they take in every office no matter what kind of doctor you're visiting. If I'm visiting the orthopedist, what's he going to do if I have a fever? Put me in a neck brace? I think I'll have to check that one out on Google. Or I guess I could just ask my daughter since she's a medical assistant and in nursing school. It's the simple, logical things that I tend not to think of right away. I frighten myself sometimes.

"Take off all your clothes and put the top on, open to the front please, and drape the other across your lap. You can leave your socks on if you'd like." It's a look we all want to have at some point. Naked, wearing athletic socks.

I don't know about you, but I unknowingly get nervous in the doctor's office and the longer I sit there, the more I start sweating, and when my bare bottom is sitting on that examining table paper, my tushy starts to stick to it.  I try to lean to one side and then the other, to lift up off the paper, but little pieces break off on each cheek and by the time the doctor comes in, I have an entire paper roll stuck to my butt. 

Sometimes I wait so long for the doctor to come in, I start to check things out: test my reflexes with the little knee knocker thingie; take a few gloves and shove them in my purse, [for reasons unbeknownst even to me]; search the drawers for anything of interest; take my own blood pressure, [just because I feel grown up using the stethoscope]; and read all the back, knee, neck, organ and shoulder diagrams. Sometimes I go to the doctor just to catch up on my medical reading; although many of the diagrams are way out of my league and totally baffle me.

Finally the doctor comes in and after she's done picking the paper out of my nether region, she comes at me with the Jaws of Life. "You're going to feel a little pinch." A LITTLE pinch? You may as well attach a lobster claw down there. That clench would be less of a pinch then the instrument she's using. How wide do you need it? I'm not delivering twins here. When she spoke I could hear an echo. 

"Now you'll feel a little scraping." You peeling paint in there? What the hell are you doing? I'd like to keep just a small part of my uterus, or cervix or whatever the hell you're excavating, if you don't mind. Is there a construction site in there?

It's not like I haven't had this done 50 times before, but each time seems just a tad worse than the last. I guess as you get older, and as you see less and less activity...anything shoved up there is a little shocking to the system. 

We commenced with the small talk. She began..."So, how have you been? Anything new going on?" Since her head is staring right into my vaginal cavity I assume she's asking the question regarding my vaginal activity. Since those lips don't really speak for themselves I thought I would answer for them. "Can't say there's been too much action going on." (But thank you so much for reminding me.) "Yes, I can see that...that's not exactly what I was asking." You can see that? What the hell else can you see in there? China? Are my car keys in there...they've been missing? "I was asking about your health...how have you been feeling...you ok? Anything bothering you?"

Oh...you mean aside from the fact that I've been celibate for the last two years, can't remember what a penis looks like and once tried to pick up a cross dresser? (Not really....I made that last one up.) I'm good...if you want to call newly formed jowls, saggy skin, creaky bones, shoulder pain, neck pain, back pain, blurred vision and memory loss, good.  Then I'm great! Couldn't be any better. 

"It's that time of year for your mammogram and bone density tests." Oh, yippee. I always look so forward to being reminded of all the testing that only the aging have to do. Should we throw in another colonoscopy while we're at it?  That's always one of the small pleasures for the over 50 bunch. “Would you like to have them at the same time?” No, thanks, I think one test at a time is plenty. I don’t want to glow from the radiation when I walk out.

“I see you have your gym clothes with you…are you going to work out after?” If I can get my legs closed after you get that crowbar out of me, yes, it’s a good possibility. Of course, I’m now 8 inches wider down there, so let’s hope nothing falls out. I’ll try not to push or exert too much.

“Well…everything looks good. I’ll call you when we get the results back and please remember to set up your tests. You don’t want to put those off.” I don't? Yes I do. "You can get dressed now and I'll see you in 6 months. Good seeing you." 

I got dressed, walked out to the reception area, paid my co-pay, got a few samples from the doctor and left. On my way out to the parking lot, I passed by a few people, nodded hello, just happy I was done with that visit, and took off in my car to the gym. When I got there, I had to pee so badly, I barely made it to the bathroom...and the gym was packed. I was hoping the bathrooms weren't all taken. I walked into the locker room and as I passed by the mirror...there it was...examining table paper hanging out of my gym shorts. And no one at the doctor's office thought it was worth mentioning? I now belong to a new gym.





 

You Are Getting Sleepy....................

During the daytime, I have trouble staying awake. (zzzzzzzzzzzzz…oh sorry…I dozed off there for a second.) Years ago I had mono and ever since then, a couple of times each year, (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…oops). So, as I was saying…a couple of times a year, I go through a two week period where I am tired all the time. But this last time, that two week period turned into a 10 month period. And the one time a day I would need a nap has turned into about 4 times a day. I think that’s kinda not normal. For the last few years I can’t concentrate on anything. And I mean nothing. I thought maybe I was just hanging around some extremely uninteresting people recently who couldn’t hold my attention, but they are the same people I’ve been hanging around with for many years, so I ruled that out. Unless, of course, they’ve always been boring and I just never noticed, and just maybe, as I’m getting older and wiser, I’m realizing I have some pretty f**king brain dead friends. But we can diagnose that at a later date.

I decided it was time to talk to the doctor to see what he thinks [not about my friends; about my sleepiness.] I had various prognoses in my mind as to what it could be. What I didn’t consider was something a petite, somewhat health conscious, exercise fanatic of the female persuasion would ever have. Sleep apnea. Doesn’t that belong to overweight, fast-food eating, non-exercising people of the hairy XY gender?

My doctor wants me to do a sleep study because he thinks I’m tired from not sleeping well [Ya think? Brilliant deduction on his part, I must say] and to determine if it is, in fact, sleep apnea. I told him sometimes I wake myself up because I stop breathing. I have a feeling that’s not really a good thing. And as he pointed out, very indicative of sleep apnea.   

Here’s the thing though…I just can’t see myself going to some lab, in an 8’x10’ room, with monitors hooked up all over me; crawling into a strange bed, dressed in…I don’t know what? My PJ’s? And have 5 or more strangers staring at me for 8 hours? I don’t think so. If I couldn’t sleep soundly before, I definitely wouldn’t drop my lids in that situation. They would have to heavily drug me and I would think that may just throw off the whole study. If I have a problem sleeping under normal circumstances, how could they possibly think I could snooze with an audience?

And when do you arrive there? (To wherever ‘there’ is.) At like10AM? At 10PM? If you go early, do you get to eat meals and watch TV? Read? Party with the lab techs? What do you do the whole time you are waiting to go to sleep? Do they make you go to bed at a certain hour like a 5 year old? “Get into bed NOW.”  Or is it at my own leisure? I mean, I can’t go to sleep on command. And then if I wake up in the middle of the night, what if I can’t fall back asleep? Can I get up? How do I go to the bathroom if I’m hooked up to major machinery? Will the wires that I’m dragging with me fall into the toilet? So many questions. Don’t stop me now…I’m on a roll.

I’ve seen those contraptions sleep apnea people wear at night…you know…the ones that look like you’re protected enough to walk into a nuclear power plant because nothing will penetrate that face mask? THAT helps you sleep better? That cumbersome 20 pound mask heavily situated on your face enables you to sleep more soundly? You may as well ask an elephant to sit on my face…that’s about as comfortable as that looks. And forget turning in any direction other than facing up towards the ceiling. You’d take your nose off if you turned on your side. And do you wake up with indentations all over your face from the weight of the harness your head is locked into?

So say I did decide to go to a sleep lab. There’s no way they are going to witness what I look like when I get into my own bed. No make-up on, my pajama bottoms pulled up to my waist with the top tucked in and the bottoms tucked into my socks. I’m a real looker. A sort of Urkel type. (And I wonder why I don’t have a man lying next to me…aside from the fact that I snore like a truck driver.)

And what if they find I do have sleep apnea? I’m going to hook myself up to that mask and nuclear testing safety gear and attach myself to some tank every night? Yeah…sure I am. Well…if I don’t have a man now, I’m sure as hell never going to have one EVER. “Hey honey…kiss me good-night before I plaster Chernobyl to my face.” He would probably be happy to not have my very feminine snore-a-thon in his ear anymore, but not so sure he would love the pumping sound that would come from the air shooting into my nasal cavity. I think it may just interfere with some romantic spontaneity.

So, I’m in a quandary. To get tested or to not get tested. I’m just not so sure I actually want to know because I’m not even close to wanting to wear that shit on my face. I think drugs are the way to go. Hey…I’m a child of the 60’s and 70’s…of course drugs are the way to go. Duh. Drugs to help me sleep through the night and drugs to help keep me awake during the day. And if I do have sleep apnea and stop breathing in my sleep…what better way to go than that? Isn't that everyone's dream?

Listless?

I make lists. I have a list for every single part of my life. If I didn’t have lists, I don’t know what I would do with myself. My lists are what plan out my life. I have my weekend list of things to get done,  I have my grocery list, I have my errand list; which consists of sub-lists,  my blog list; which consists of subjects I want to write about, a pharmacy list…and so on and so on. I don’t understand people who don’t have lists. How do they stay organized and on top of things? I have my ‘pop-up’ reminder on my Outlook calendar. That helps me enormously. But…if I am not on the computer for a day…ok, who am I kidding. I am never NOT on my computer for a day. But just say for argument’s sake I wasn’t…then my pop-up wouldn’t help me at that point. So I keep lists. I try to keep them all in the same place, but that doesn’t work out too well. I have lists by my bed, a list on the side of the fridge for the market; lists on my desk; because when I get bored working…I make a list, and lists on the coffee table in the family room.

Many times I am overwhelmed by my lists. I try to condense them so as not to psych myself out about how much I actually have to do on those lists, but sometimes that’s just not possible. Some of them do overlap. That kind of bugs me. For instance…if I need toothpaste…I can put it on my market list and I can also put it on my CVS list. That makes each list longer but I figure it depends on which store I am going to get to first. But the great thing is…once I buy the toothpaste, I can cross it off TWO lists. Ahhhh…[sigh of satisfaction].

Unfortunately, lists can cause stress…especially those that have deadlines attached; for instance, when you’re having a party and have to get everything done by a certain date. Yikes! And if that includes manual labor, forget it…double stress and panic mode. I am not a fan of manual labor. I have become a manual laborer since the economy has taken a turn for the worse. So I do my own cleaning, my own gardening, and my own everything, basically (except for cooking…Mrs. Stouffer still does that part). Therefore, ‘The Manual Labor list’: clean the house, clean the patio, pull the weeds, set up for the party, pick up the food, etc, etc. I wish I could have a ‘Hired Help’ list. I would thoroughly enjoy crossing items off of that one; housekeeper – check, gardener – check, caterer – check. The only check I can do is check myself in at the door. I’m an all-in-one multi-tasking personal laborer.

As my daughter’s graduation party day closes in, I realize the difference in the ‘To Do’ lists I have now, as opposed to lists I’ve had in the past, when money was no object.

Then: Call Beverly Hills caterer, call bartender, call housekeeper/servers, order wine and champagne, call rental place for chairs and tables, have gardener clean up backyard, call pool man to clean pool, confirm DJ, buy party dress and shoes

Now: Call Subway to place 6 foot sandwich order, go to Costco for cheapest wine and beer, get ice for coolers, spray Round Up and pull weeds, clean bathrooms, set up table and plastic chairs, set up ipod and speakers, check to be sure outfit is clean with no holes

In spite of the discrepancies between then and now…I do know the party will be a success no matter what. The players haven’t changed, just the venue [and my attire].

My bucket list was a fun list but I had crossed most things off it quite a long time ago: graduate college, have a great career, get married (I got to cross that one off twice), have kids, sky dive, travel, plus various other accomplishments. I haven’t traversed the Himalayas yet…but who am I kidding. That was never on there.

The main thing left on my list is to write a book. I have yet to accomplish that but it’s in the works.

I find it almost orgasmic when I am able to cross something off my list. And having multiple lists... there are many times…I’m having multiple orgasms. Ahhhh…[sigh of satisfaction].

What's lurking in Your medicine cabinet?

Ever since I was little I was told to take my vitamin every morning. So like a good little girl, I would pop my Flintstones into my mouth after careful deliberation of whether I wanted to chew Bamm-Bamm or Pebbles. Vitamins were supposed to ward off illnesses and keep our bodies strong, so over the years I have been adding more and more to my arsenal of medications. Recently I decided to take inventory of my collection to see if any have made a significant impact on my body and mind.

Of course we all take Multiple vitamins. They should take care of our entire body. But I decided as I aged, I needed to supplement individual bodily needs. There seems to be controversy on what vitamins are helpful for, but I have my own reasons for each.

The first was my skin. I was always told Vitamin A would keep my skin free of blemishes and age spots, so every day I crack one open and rub it all over my body. I have to say, my skin feels pretty good. It feels especially good when I have someone else help me "take" my vitamin A.

Next was the Vitamin B group…to help my digestive system. I'm not so sure exactly how that one is working. Is my stomach supposed to make gurgling sounds throughout the day and bloat little by little so that I look 8 months pregnant by evening? It’s also supposed to help your stress level. Yeah…I can tell you without a doubt…that info is wrong. I think maybe the experts must have confused the B vitamin and Xanax. So I took it upon myself to substitute one for the other. Now THAT really works! I’ve never been more relaxed in my entire life.

Vitamin C seems to be the multi-purpose vitamin. Honestly? I don’t see the purpose of this one at all. “It’s important in the formation of collagen to hold skin cells together and other body tissues” Really? What medical dictionary did this come from? My skin cells and body tissue are holding together all right, just a little further south than I would like. And each day…their grip gets a little looser so that at some point, I’m afraid my skin will just slide off my body.

Strong bones and teeth are serviced by Vitamin D with Calcium. If that’s the case…maybe I am using it wrong. Am I supposed to be inserting the actual vitamin in the places where my teeth once resided? I don’t notice my bones and teeth getting or staying strong. I just notice my gum line receding quicker than men’s hair follicles.

I was advised by a trusted friend to use Ginkgo Biloba so that I could improve my memory and concentration. I was excited to use this because my memory is very selective and my concentration lasts about one nanosecond. But every afternoon when I was scheduled to take it…I would forget. (You knew that one was coming!)

I added Manganese to my diet after going through menopause. It’s supposed to aid in the production of sex hormones. I didn’t really notice much difference after a few months of taking this, therefore, I thought I would also add Rhodiola Rosea, Ginseng, Maca (Peruvian Ginseng), Horny Goat Weed, Kava, L-Arginine, DHEA and anything else I could find. I now hump my couch about 20 times a day.

I do recommend Potassium for cramping. I would get the worst leg cramps and foot cramps during the night that would bolt me out of bed in excruciating pain. For those of you who have never had a cramp…imagine someone shoving their fist up your ass as far as they can and twisting your internal organs until they can’t twist anymore. I made sure I found a cure for that one…and potassium was my salvation.

I found some expired bottles of vitamins and other medications that have been there for quite some time. I always wondered what the effects would be after 2 or 3 years past the expiration date. I thought I would experiment with some, but then I realized, that may not be the best idea if it turns out to be fatal.

I have yet to conclude if any of these vitamins and supplements actually makes a difference (except for the surefire potassium). I know one place they ALL make a difference. And that would be my bank account. I wish I knew why I spent so much money on something I’m not even sure works, and makes me gag every time I try to swallow one of those horse pills.

Confessions of an addict

I have to admit, and very hesitatingly so, that I have an addiction. It’s not as bad as some others, but I’ve been afflicted ever since I was a little girl. I AM a TV-holic.  Yes, that’s right, I watch so much TV that I have dreams I am characters in some shows.  Last night, I was helping the “Psych” detectives solve their crime.   

Now don’t judge me. I have never watched one episode of the Bachelorette or any Housewives series. Whew…I feel better already. But I do like reality TV. I watch only the intellectual programs though…i.e. Survivor, The Apprentice (and not only the Celebrity ones, but the “Real” people ones, too), Amazing Race. You know…the ones you can only gain knowledge from. 

I used to be addicted to Wheel and Jeopardy, but once Vanna and Alex started aging, they were too hard to watch. Made me think of my own mortality, and TV watching is supposed to be enjoyable, so who needed that reminder?

I remember when I was little, I would love to get sick so I could stay home from school and sit in front of the black and white TV all day long. My mom would spoil me with Skippy peanut butter and grape jelly on top of Ritz crackers, on a TV tray, with a big, tall glass of whole milk.  I would watch the game show, “Concentration”, which was highly educational, testing my memory skills. Therefore, missing school wasn’t a huge waste. In fact, I was better off.

Bozo the clown was another favorite, until a little kid from down the street started calling me Bozo because I had such frizzy hair. That really turned me off to Bozo. Screw Bozo. Stupid clown.

I realized I was an addict when I would start organizing my social life around my TV shows.  Friday nights were spent with JR and Bobby and Wednesdays (?) were with the Carrington’s.  Once VCR’s were invented, my social life was salvaged.  But if the tape ever got eaten, I would be in a bad mood for days.

I love DVR’s.  In fact, I’m debating whether to get a second one so I can record 4 shows at once and not just two.  There are days that I have 3-4 programs airing at the same time and I have such a dilemma.  I have kept my old VCR for those emergencies. I don’t really remember how to use it, so it’s a good thing I don’t really have a social life so I can be home to watch one show, while the others are recording.

I don’t ONLY watch mindless TV. I do get my current events from Matt, Meredith, Ann and Al. Good thing they come in 5 minute segments or I would be tuning them out pretty quickly. That’s why I don’t read the newspaper too often.  “Concentration” didn’t help me THAT much.

And thanks to my bad memory, watching Friends and Seinfeld every night, to this day, is like watching a new episode each time. Chandler and Kramer still crack me up.

I attribute my career to my addiction. I live in the advertising world. Had I not been a TV junkie, who knows where I would be today.  So I give a huge THANK YOU to Maxwell Smart, the Brady’s, Samantha and Darrin, (who taught me all about advertising), Captain Stubing and Gopher, Gilligan, Flipper, and of course,  Oprah. Because without Oprah, really, who would any of us actually be. No one could exist without the wisdom of the great one. Isn’t she the Divine one? The Chosen one?  At least, isn’t that what she has made us believe?

Ahhhh…the power of Television.

Today I am a student. Tomorrow I am.....

Remember when graduation was upon you and you realized “Oh my god I am going to be a real adult…like now!?”  No more mommy and daddy taking care of me.  No more waking up, rolling out of bed and going to classes looking like I just rolled out of bed. No more partying during the weekdays.  This is it. I am going out into the real world and I am responsible for me. 

I’m so glad that’s not me now.  But it is my daughter. She graduates this week. Her very last class for the rest of her life. She said to me the other day…”I’m sad. I love going to school and to class.” WHO SAYS THAT?  I sure didn’t.  I couldn’t wait until that last day of school…even though I was scared to death.  I hated school. Oh…I loved the college life, but I hated school. I hated going to classes. I couldn’t focus. I was good for the first 5 minutes, then that was that. Off my mind went into the chasm of my tiny little brain. My brain can only hold so much, and science and other subjects just didn’t earn a spot there. Boys did. Partying did. But education? Not so much.

I was responsible though. I did do my homework. I did study for the tests. I did end up graduating. I’m not sure I learned anything, but I did earn my degree and that’s all that mattered to me at the time. It got me where I wanted to go and I have been there ever since.

My daughter, however, has a brain. A very large brain. It holds so much more than mine does. And her brain functions really well.  It also causes her to ask tons of questions. Which is probably why she is so smart.  Annoying, but smart. (kidding)…She remembers the answers to the questions. Unlike me. I ask a question.  I never listen to the answer. I wonder why I ask the questions if I don’t listen to the answers. I haven’t quite figured that out yet. I think my intentions are good, but my tiny little brain doesn’t have room for those answers either.  It’s very selective. I look like I’m listening to people answering my questions, but I’m already on to the other questions I’m going to ask and not listen to.

I’m kind of surprised I’ve made it in the business world. Or in any world, for that matter. I don’t remember anything.  I guess that’s why I write.  I can document my life in words.  My daughter will also thrive in the business world, because she retains everything and has that really big brain.  No matter what she sets out to do, she will be a huge success…even though she changes her mind every week on what career path she is taking. I have faith that as soon as she is done with finals on Friday…she will know exactly where she is headed by Saturday.

Me, on the other hand……..if I could only remember what’s next.