X-RATED (only because i have kids!)...read at your own risk...SEXUAL CONTENT, FOUL LANGUAGE

Don't you think it's a little bit ironic that what a woman goes thru in her later years of life incorporates the word "MEN" into her hormonal progression? Men - o - pause! Are they stopping our lives....are they holding us back from the sexuality that we would have? That really makes no sense. That's not what it is. Men would never hold us back from our sexual drive! Men are not the problem, they are the innocent victims. Then what is it? Because I am certainly not going to man bash....I love men. I love them as husbands....I love them as friends...I love them in any capacity as long as they are good to me and allow me to be good to them...so what is it that makes me as a 50+ year old woman not want to jump all over that? It’s not for their lack of trying! It’s……………………………………….

MEN-O FUCKING-PAUSE

Our wonderfully predetermined hormonal imbalance that decides who we are going to become over the age of 50, whether we like it or not. Who we will become whether it has anything to do with where we came from, or if we have a choice. Seriously? Who is this sexually dormant woman within this previously sexually active body? Hello?????? Are you in there??? Yoo hoo….come out!

WTF! I want my old persona back. I want that person from 10+ years ago that wanted to jump on every guy who walked past me. He didn’t have to be great looking, he didn’t have to be an athlete, he didn’t have to be wealthy, he didn’t have to have a brain…he just had to have a penis! A functioning penis. That’s all I wanted. And now…who gives a shit. Vibrators are working for me just fine…and even those…are feeling a little slighted sitting in my drawer.

Ahhhh….a penis…how I long for those days! But I digress…

Hair has become an integral part of my every day life. I believe they are called whiskers. Whiskers were what would rub against MY face after a day’s hair growth from my boyfriend/husband. Whiskers was the name of my neighbor’s cat. Whiskers are now part of my monthly hair removal regimen. Thank you menopause. The ever sprouting goatee is looking just fine.

Dry as a desert. Since there are men and women reading this (and possibly my kids)…I won’t go into detail. But what actually happened to becoming wet? The deluge also stopped with the demon called menopause. And those hormonal crèmes…yeah…love the globs secreting during the next 24 hours of injection. Very sexually romantic to have wet patches in your undies. And now I know why someone invented mini pads! Which will eventually grow and develop into Depends.  Can’t wait for THAT transition.

Sleep…I seem to remember that there is something called a good night’s sleep. I believe it had to do with getting a certain amount of hours in ONE nite. HUH? That really doesn’t ring a bell to me. Suffice it to say…5 hours on and off…is one of the best nights I could ask for. Oh…and for the night sweats…changing my sheets on a daily basis…and my sleep wear…has become very profitable for Victoria Secret and Bed, Bath and Beyond.

So what have I left out?  Oh yeah…that lack of elasticity left in the skin…the droopy, saggy cheeks that are now just baggage left from earlier years. Jowls…I could pack an entire suitcase into those cheeks. That’s a whole other story on plastic surgery…to be continued.

Let’s get back to sex…

I want my sexuality back. Or should I say my sexual drive back. My sexuality has always been there.  I don’t give a shit about anything else…just give me that. I’ll live with the moustache and beard, I’ll live with the night sweats, I’ll live with the whatever else…but give me back the desire to jump the next guy that crosses my path and absolutely love not caring who he is…I just want to love it! I miss it. I want it. And for those women who say “now that it’s gone” they don’t miss it…I say BULL FUCKING SHIT!