"Oh...you said 'Geezer', not 'Geyser'?"
Am I becoming a crotchety old person who has no patience for much of anything anymore? Wait...did I just refer to myself as old? Geez. It's been on my mind lately because a few days ago I was asked by a college student if she could interview me on the subject of aging for one of her classes. Aging? Me? Why me? The nerve.
“What are you researching?” I asked. She wanted to see if people 'my age' become curmudgeonly as they get older. “Based on how you answer these questions, we can assess how far you have trodden down that road to crotchety.” Reluctantly, I agreed to be her subject. I had to prove to myself that I was not one of those blue-haired old ladies who you see portrayed smacking people with their cane or purse. Although, in my mind I wanted to rip the bitch's head off, so it makes one wonder.
Q: Is there always at least one…[or two…or multiple] things that bug the shit out of you about someone?
A: Are you f**king kidding me? Of course there are. I'm lucky if it's only one...and if so, then I consider that person my greatest friend ever. So basically...I have no friends.
Q: Do people, in your opinion, just get dumber?
A: Duh. I've become the smartest person I know. And I ain't no Einstein...So what does that tell you?
Q: Does poor grammar bother you, even on texts?
A: Ya think? It always has though; so that's not something new that has come with age. But poor grammar on a text doesn't bother me. See how non-crotchety that is?
Q: Do young adults who don't show respect to you, like you showed adults when you were younger, bother you?
A: Yes! When did that generational gap close? I mean I love being friends with my kids friends, but I'm still the parent...and although we are 'buds' there is still that fine line between respect and disrespect. But then I think...’Ugh...I sound like my parents generation. Times have changed, Jaime....C'mon’...and then I think again...'Nah...I deserve the respect. I earned the respect. And dammit...Don’t call me ‘Dude!’
Q: You're/your, there/they're/their, to/too...need I ask?
A: NOPE, you do not.
Q: Does it bother you when people are walking on the wrong side of the sidewalk, and don't move out of your way?
A: Absolutely...especially when I'm doing my daily speed walking. Where the hell do they think they are...f**king England? So I shove them off to the side into the bushes as I walk by.
Q: When you're sitting in an empty movie theater and people sit right in front of you...is that ok?
A: NO! Are you kidding me? I don't get it. There are 100+ seats...why do they have to sit directly in front of me, or next to me, or even in the 3 rows right around me? Makes no sense. And it's even ruder when the person is tall. I always check who is behind me before I sit down if I have a choice of other seats. It's called common courtesy. If those are the only seats they have to choose from then I'll give them a pass and not talk shit about them. [Although it's rare that I don't find a multitude of other things to talk shit about.]
Q: What about talking and eating in the theater?
A: Let's not go there...but just to be clear...I don't even like when people are talking during the trailers...it's like 'Shut the hell up already. Did you not see each other and talk for the last hour prior to the film rolling? Take it outside, motormouth.' Again...common courtesy. And if I hear their lips smack more than twice while eating...I start throwing things at them. There was a guy once who didn't appreciate my shoe making contact with his head.
Q: How do you feel about people talking with food in their mouths?
A: I could puke! Maybe what I should do is also talk with food in my mouth and let it spew from my lips at them. That may leave a lasting impression so that the next time they eat...they'll think twice about sharing the visual of the masticated food with their meal companions. I tend not to tell those people they have green stuff stuck in their teeth after they’re done eating.
Q: How much does it bother you when people are speaking so loudly to someone else, that you can't continue your own conversation because it's too distracting?
A: I understand that some people's voices carry louder than others...but I'm sure at some point in their lives, someone had to have told them how loud they are. Adjust your volume then...geez...do you want everyone to hear your conversation? I always feel like they want to be noticed. Shut up! Lower your frickin' voice or go talk in a padded cell somewhere in a straight jacket. Does that sound a little angry? Maybe a straight jacket is going too far.
Q: How about when you're lying on the beach and people walk by close enough for you to touch their feet?
A: Do people not know spatial courtesy? There are miles of beach around them, but they have to walk two inches from my head. I also love when they are walking in flip-flops and kicking up sand in my face. Oblivion is the new planet we’ve inhabited.
Q: Telemarketers...how do you handle them?
A: I've tried to pull a sort of Seinfeld...I've called them back to see how they like being bothered, but it goes directly to a recording saying that number is not a working number...so I'm actually pissed off twice at the same thing.
Q: When doctors make you wait for over 30 minutes...are you understanding?
A: What makes their time so much more precious than mine? Believe me...I appreciate all they do. But aside from their life savings skills and treatment of all sorts of diseases, and blah, blah, blah...my time is still precious to ME. We should start charging them a fee when they have to cancel our appointments because they are called into emergency surgery. So, no, I'm not very understanding. Maybe when I AM blue-haired and have too much time on my hands, I won't mind the reprieve from the assisted living place my kids are going to throw me into. Damn those kids. How could they?
Q: When you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and you see that they are not listening anymore, because they are preoccupied by someone else or a text...how does that make you feel?
A: Can I tell you how unbelievably disrespectful that is? At least say, "Can you hold that thought while I so rudely pay attention to something else I feel is more important than you are?" 'Yeah...sure you can...go f**k yourself.'
Q: Does the same apply when you're on a phone call and that person puts you on hold to take another call?
A: Absolutely...I don't understand why the other person's call is more important than mine...make them wait and leave a message and call them back. Do NOT put me on hold. Let it go to voice mail. So I let them answer their other call and then I hang up and don't answer when they call back.
Q: Do you lose patience with people when they're late or when they don't answer your texts and emails promptly?
A: You have no idea...my first husband was late for our very first date. He called to say he was going to be late, which, at the time, I thought was so sweet and thoughtful. That should have been my first hint of things to come. Over, and over, and over. I should learn to tell these people to arrive much earlier than is needed, but I don’t like to lie. And those who know me well enough would know I was lying and would be late anyway…so why bother. I always say I'm going to do that back to them so they can see how it feels, but I just can't bring myself to be late, or procrastinate answering someone's email or text. Sometimes it's just a burden being so perfect.
Q: How about people who drive too slowly? Either those you are with in the car, or those on the road in front of you.
A: Let's just say I'm surprised I haven't attempted road rage [mostly because I'm too chicken to suffer the consequences.] Ok...maybe a little road rage. But more in my own head than outwardly apparent. Ok...maybe a little apparent. A little tailgating; a little flashing the brights; a little flip of the bird; a swear word here and there. But I've never gotten out of my car and started screaming at anyone. Not that I can remember. I don't think.
Q: When people cancel plans at the last minute...how does it make you feel?
A: It depends on if it's a pattern or if it's an infrequent thing with that particular person. I can tell you I've stopped making plans with those who have done that more often than not. It's annoying and disrespectful and usually it's people who are not the most truthful. But mostly because.......I don't have enough people as back up to make other last minute plans with...(refer to my answer to the first question above.)
Q: Where do people who lie fit into your tolerance level?
A: There is no tolerance level.
Q: Does it piss you off when someone doesn’t thank you for doing a random act of kindness? Or for any favor you do?
A: You’re damn right it does…and the amount of times they thank you depends on what the act of kindness is. I'm not looking for accolades for anything I do, but, for instance, if you’re just letting someone in front of you while driving…they should thank you when you first let them in, then thank you again with the high wave, so you can see them in their rear window. If you take someone to dinner…minimum 3 thank yous. Maybe during dinner… “Thank you for having me,” and again right after dinner, as you’re walking out, “Thank you again,” and then as you hug good-bye, “Again…thank you so much. I had a great time.” And if someone doesn’t…make sure they know you noticed. "Oh...by the way...you're welcome [shithead]."
Q: When someone is in the crosswalk taking their time walking to the other side…do you wait patiently?
A: Yeah, of course I do. I mean I would rather shoot an arrow up their ass to speed up the process…but prison has never been on my bucket list.
Q: Does it annoy you when people stare at you?
A: I can't tell you how much. I start getting all paranoid like I have schmutz all over my face, or in my teeth; or that my hair is sticking straight up or out or all over the place. My mom and my dog do it all the time. When I call my mom out on it...she claims to not be staring at me, but through me while she's pondering the universe. When I tell my dog to stop, she cocks her head like she has no idea what I'm talking about. Yeah...sure she doesn't. So I walk away but she just follows me and keeps staring. When strangers do it, I pull out my can of mace and squirt them in the eye. [At least in my mind that's what I'm doing.]
Q: How does it make you feel when you see someone on a daily basis, while walking your dog, for instance, and they never acknowledge you?
A: Invisible. Then I do something similar, like I do to those who walk on the wrong side; I shove them into the street and yell out, “Do you see me now?” Hopefully the oncoming traffic sees them.
Q: Every person claims to have the worst memory as they age; and they all seem to want to outdo the other in how much they forget. How frustrating is it when you can’t recall things?
A: It’s horrible. I’m sorry…what was the question?
Q: What about talking and eating in the theater?
A: Let's not go there...but just to be clear...I don't even like when people are talking during the trailers...it's like 'Shut the hell up already. Did you not see each other and talk for the last hour prior to the film rolling? Take it outside, motormouth.' Again...common courtesy. And if I hear their lips smack more than twice while eating...I start throwing things at them. There was a guy once who didn't appreciate my shoe making contact with his head.
Q: How do you feel about people talking with food in their mouths?
A: I could puke! Maybe what I should do is also talk with food in my mouth and let it spew from my lips at them. That may leave a lasting impression so that the next time they eat...they'll think twice about sharing the visual of the masticated food with their meal companions. I tend not to tell those people they have green stuff stuck in their teeth after they’re done eating.
Q: How much does it bother you when people are speaking so loudly to someone else, that you can't continue your own conversation because it's too distracting?
A: I understand that some people's voices carry louder than others...but I'm sure at some point in their lives, someone had to have told them how loud they are. Adjust your volume then...geez...do you want everyone to hear your conversation? I always feel like they want to be noticed. Shut up! Lower your frickin' voice or go talk in a padded cell somewhere in a straight jacket. Does that sound a little angry? Maybe a straight jacket is going too far.
Q: How about when you're lying on the beach and people walk by close enough for you to touch their feet?
A: Do people not know spatial courtesy? There are miles of beach around them, but they have to walk two inches from my head. I also love when they are walking in flip-flops and kicking up sand in my face. Oblivion is the new planet we’ve inhabited.
Q: Telemarketers...how do you handle them?
A: I've tried to pull a sort of Seinfeld...I've called them back to see how they like being bothered, but it goes directly to a recording saying that number is not a working number...so I'm actually pissed off twice at the same thing.
Q: When doctors make you wait for over 30 minutes...are you understanding?
A: What makes their time so much more precious than mine? Believe me...I appreciate all they do. But aside from their life savings skills and treatment of all sorts of diseases, and blah, blah, blah...my time is still precious to ME. We should start charging them a fee when they have to cancel our appointments because they are called into emergency surgery. So, no, I'm not very understanding. Maybe when I AM blue-haired and have too much time on my hands, I won't mind the reprieve from the assisted living place my kids are going to throw me into. Damn those kids. How could they?
Q: When you're in the middle of a conversation with someone and you see that they are not listening anymore, because they are preoccupied by someone else or a text...how does that make you feel?
A: Can I tell you how unbelievably disrespectful that is? At least say, "Can you hold that thought while I so rudely pay attention to something else I feel is more important than you are?" 'Yeah...sure you can...go f**k yourself.'
Q: Does the same apply when you're on a phone call and that person puts you on hold to take another call?
A: Absolutely...I don't understand why the other person's call is more important than mine...make them wait and leave a message and call them back. Do NOT put me on hold. Let it go to voice mail. So I let them answer their other call and then I hang up and don't answer when they call back.
Q: Do you lose patience with people when they're late or when they don't answer your texts and emails promptly?
A: You have no idea...my first husband was late for our very first date. He called to say he was going to be late, which, at the time, I thought was so sweet and thoughtful. That should have been my first hint of things to come. Over, and over, and over. I should learn to tell these people to arrive much earlier than is needed, but I don’t like to lie. And those who know me well enough would know I was lying and would be late anyway…so why bother. I always say I'm going to do that back to them so they can see how it feels, but I just can't bring myself to be late, or procrastinate answering someone's email or text. Sometimes it's just a burden being so perfect.
Q: How about people who drive too slowly? Either those you are with in the car, or those on the road in front of you.
A: Let's just say I'm surprised I haven't attempted road rage [mostly because I'm too chicken to suffer the consequences.] Ok...maybe a little road rage. But more in my own head than outwardly apparent. Ok...maybe a little apparent. A little tailgating; a little flashing the brights; a little flip of the bird; a swear word here and there. But I've never gotten out of my car and started screaming at anyone. Not that I can remember. I don't think.
Q: When people cancel plans at the last minute...how does it make you feel?
A: It depends on if it's a pattern or if it's an infrequent thing with that particular person. I can tell you I've stopped making plans with those who have done that more often than not. It's annoying and disrespectful and usually it's people who are not the most truthful. But mostly because.......I don't have enough people as back up to make other last minute plans with...(refer to my answer to the first question above.)
Q: Where do people who lie fit into your tolerance level?
A: There is no tolerance level.
Q: Does it piss you off when someone doesn’t thank you for doing a random act of kindness? Or for any favor you do?
A: You’re damn right it does…and the amount of times they thank you depends on what the act of kindness is. I'm not looking for accolades for anything I do, but, for instance, if you’re just letting someone in front of you while driving…they should thank you when you first let them in, then thank you again with the high wave, so you can see them in their rear window. If you take someone to dinner…minimum 3 thank yous. Maybe during dinner… “Thank you for having me,” and again right after dinner, as you’re walking out, “Thank you again,” and then as you hug good-bye, “Again…thank you so much. I had a great time.” And if someone doesn’t…make sure they know you noticed. "Oh...by the way...you're welcome [shithead]."
Q: When someone is in the crosswalk taking their time walking to the other side…do you wait patiently?
A: Yeah, of course I do. I mean I would rather shoot an arrow up their ass to speed up the process…but prison has never been on my bucket list.
Q: Does it annoy you when people stare at you?
A: I can't tell you how much. I start getting all paranoid like I have schmutz all over my face, or in my teeth; or that my hair is sticking straight up or out or all over the place. My mom and my dog do it all the time. When I call my mom out on it...she claims to not be staring at me, but through me while she's pondering the universe. When I tell my dog to stop, she cocks her head like she has no idea what I'm talking about. Yeah...sure she doesn't. So I walk away but she just follows me and keeps staring. When strangers do it, I pull out my can of mace and squirt them in the eye. [At least in my mind that's what I'm doing.]
Q: How does it make you feel when you see someone on a daily basis, while walking your dog, for instance, and they never acknowledge you?
A: Invisible. Then I do something similar, like I do to those who walk on the wrong side; I shove them into the street and yell out, “Do you see me now?” Hopefully the oncoming traffic sees them.
Q: Every person claims to have the worst memory as they age; and they all seem to want to outdo the other in how much they forget. How frustrating is it when you can’t recall things?
A: It’s horrible. I’m sorry…what was the question?
When the test was done I was thinking, 'So...not too bad, right? I still have a pretty high tolerance level for ignorant, self-centered, disrespectful, narcissistic, rude assholes...don't you think?'
And then I looked up at her face...
I think I got my answer.
